Sweet Sucker Punch

Without a weekly newspaper deadline, I’ve had little desire to sit at my computer and write these past two months. The sun is shining. The grass is green. The lake is warm. And we’ve been doing what people do when all those stars align.

No, I haven’t missed writing.

Now and then, however, a poignant phrase will catch and tangle my thoughts, and I’ll think about sitting down to write. The sweetest bliss will land in my lap for a millisecond and I’ll want to expound upon it. The changes in my children make me smile and sigh, and I’ll want to share all the beautiful details in words.

But I haven’t guilted myself to get back to it. I haven’t set writing goals. Or used social pressure. Or any pressure, for that matter. An organic return is what I want, what I am waiting for and what I deserve.

Writing can knock the wind out of you if you’re doing it right.

And I’ve been trying to catch my breath and get my grounding for over a year now. It’s HARD to feel unwanted and unwelcome. Awkward and out of place. A social pariah, even.

Over the past several years I wrote some truths, which I saw as 97.5% generalizations about politics, religion and other hot button social structures. Sure, I took a welter-weight swing now and then at someone who deserved it, but it turns out my neighbors took it ALL very personally, even though for the most part I was writing about the world in general.

My words stung them and they stung back, though I felt more stabbed than stung. I had lobbed ideas and they had landed a sucker punch.

It was a gift, but it still hurt.

Until the wounds heal and I get all of the poison that was on the blade out of my system, I doubt any other writing will flow. It’s always been like that for me. Process the problem, purge, and then move on.

I am still processing the public shaming I was gifted.

Brené Brown told me that “You are imperfect, you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.

She also wrote, “If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive.”

And, “We judge people in areas where we’re vulnerable to shame.” Which is exactly what I did. Sure, I was generalizing, but there were indeed notes of judgement beneath it all. My neighbors felt slighted so they lashed back harder than I ever could.

I want to be brave again, but I want to learn to do it with more kindness and consideration for those around me. After all, if they wounded me this badly, I must have done hefty damage to them as well. With time, patience and bits of practice here and there, my courage is growing. With it will come the writing.

I have sweet faith in that at least.

Author: Angle Full of Grace

A writer, woods-wanderer, and internal peace seeker who raises two free-range children in the wilderness, I escaped the wasteland of corporate America a few years back never to return. I write about love, family, mental health, addiction, parenthood and personal growth all through lens of place and connection to the land. Most entries are my weekly column for our local small-town newspaper, and there's an occasional feature story thrown in the mix as well.

5 thoughts on “Sweet Sucker Punch”

  1. The truth always hurts. People will reject truth to protect themselves. People will hide from the truth behind the fears that keep them from admitting it. People will lash out when their truth is being questioned. It is not an easy path to write truth…but then everyone’s truth is not the same. It is a real dilemma. I hope you will someday understand what a gift you have and will be able to once again share it with us. I miss it. Stay well…

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I am so sorry this happened to you, Friend. I have had some similar things happen to me with my writing sometimes. It always hurts. Sending love to you. You are doing the right thing to give yourself time to heal.

    Like

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